This week, the Lord taught me something valuable, something that melts me deep to the core and reveals my flaws. He showed me that I desire to be my own Savior and that I want to earn His affection (even though it has already been freely given to me through the cross). I value independence. I want to take care of myself, to be self-sufficient. I do not mean that I do not like being cared for; I love it when friends and family desire to serve and help me. But I fear that care is accompanied by burdening. I don’t like crying on someone’s shoulder because I know my tears can weigh them down. I don’t like venting to others because that allows them to see the pain and the stress that might have once been overlooked. I don’t want to be a burden to the people I love…

Even dependence on the Lord is hard for me. I mean, God is so so good!!! And I would love more than anything to be able to impress Him, to show him just how much I care and just how much he’s changed me.

“God, look at your creation! Look at your daughter! Look at me!”

But all I have to offer is nothing of worth to my Father. In fact, most of the time, (ALL of the time) I just bring him a bigger mess: I bring the pride of self-sufficiency, the impatience in the process, and the jealousy of watching God use others in mighty ways.

“God, use me!” “Send me!” “Let me help!”

But God doesn’t need my help. He doesn’t need my talents. He doesn’t need ME. And this is a hard reality for the achiever in me that wants to be of use and a necessity to the ones that I love, to the God that I love. But he has no need for me. And yet, even so, He simply loves me because he made me. He graciously invites me into his work, like a daddy inviting her daughter to help in the kitchen. The Father has no need of his child’s help. She will most likely create a bigger mess, leaving powder residue on the counters, egg shells in the batter, and playfully adding other ingredients that will only result in a gross mush. And yet, he invites us. WHY in the world does our Father do this? Knowing he can do the job much more efficiently, successfully, and cleanly on his own?

A sweet friend reminded me that being a disciple is NOT what I do. Let me say that again:  being a disciple is NOT WHAT YOU DO. Because God does not need me to DO anything.  God is sufficiently God without me, without you, but He invites us to join his good work, his Kingdom Plan.
Instead, being a disciple is simply a posture of the heart. It is aligning my will and my plans with that of my Savior. It is allowing the Holy Spirit to break down the walls in my heart, letting Christ reign in every room, every closet, every nook and cranny. It is the beauty of just BEING. Of just being a daughter of the King and enjoying time with my Father. It is simply being who God created me to be, with the passions in which He has gifted me and with the goofy personality and detail-oriented mind he gave me for His Kingdom. It is just about being WITH HIM.

I felt distant from God for awhile. “I’m doing all the right things!!” I sternly told my friend. “I’m reading Scripture and praying. I have a routine time with Him, I am honest in conversation with Him. What am I doing wrong??” But, that’s just it. You can do ALL the ‘right things’ but if your heart is in the wrong place, there will always be something missing. When the posture of my heart is off, when my attitude is crooked, when my eyebrows are stiff and crinkled, when my heart is hardened toward the work of the Lord, my relationship with God suffers, ALWAYS.

But understanding that God just wants me to be with Him is such a relief to my sorrowful, worn down heart. I can stop striving. I can stop working so so hard to earn his approval. How beautiful it is, to have a Savior who doesn’t need me, but wants me!!!

He wants my heart. He wants me attention, my affection, all of me. Let him in. Let him rule. And just enjoy time in his presence. Take a walk with your Father. Admire his grace-filled creation and SIMPLY BE WITH HIM.